What would have been.....

-


Today marks the 100th day from the original transplant day.
The original "day +100" had we not had any hang ups....

It got me thinking this morning as I stared at that number on the calendar.....
What would things have been like if it were.....

Parklen is doing so amazing.....
and I can remember the pure devastation of putting off the transplant.....twice.
I can remember feeling as though things were not going right....

What if the doctors hadn't found the abnormal tests that made them wait?
Would Parklen still be doing great?

What if we would have pushed through....
and the problems came up when it was too late?

What if Parklen were still in the hospital,
or doing poorly because of missed information?

It would be amazing if today were day +100.....
but, its not.

Instead, today is day +83.
and thank God for that.

83 days towards our goal......
and 83 days of doing great......
and no matter how hard is sometimes is to have to wait.....
God's timing really is the best timing and I am thankful I do not have to know what would have been.......

Exciting things are happening for us.....
and our future is near....


There is a beautiful home awaiting our return.....
one that is being prepared in the best possible ways for Parklen....
One that is just waiting to be filled with happy memories.....
healthy memories.

A safe place for him to continue his healing....

After this weekend I became very much aware that having two healthy boys is going to be amazingly different than our past......
Two boys that struggle to slow down,
rather than the one who watched mostly from the comfort of the couch....dozing off between tiny bursts of energy.

A brother.....little, but big....
learning what the word play really means.
Taking a crash course on being a boy....
Setting aside his controller to find adventure of his own.





There will always be the what ifs....
the moments of wondering.

What would have been had I listened early on when they told me Parklen just had bad luck?
What would have been had I not continued to search for answers for my baby?
What if I chose to quiet my inner voice?
What if his disease would have progressed more quickly?
What if this summer would have turned out differently?
What if we had been right when we thought Parklen was our last baby?
What if Paysen wasn't a perfect match?
What if?

These questions....
waste time.
These thoughts....
are better left alone.
Spending time thinking this way......takes away the joy of the moment you are in......

Because, not knowing what would have been makes me able to know what is.....
What is now,
what was yesterday....
And seeing my today,
my family's present......
makes the excitement for tomorrow amazingly worth every planned event we have missed.....

What would have been?
Who knows?

So thankful for timing that is greater than mine!!!!

The nice weather this weekend was such a blessing for the boys.....













Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Time

-
Image
It sure has been some time. Time since I sat before this blank page that used to bring me such comfort.  Time since I shared deep feelings.. Time since I opened the curtain into my heart, for all to see. Time ticks by. Ever quickly. They say that time heals all wounds... I think anyone who has suffered a broken heart, knows thats not the truth, Who are they  anyway? Time forms. Like the hands of the potter... moving, moulding, squeezing, pinching. As the clay spins, the potter changes it. It isn't healed, it is... becoming something new. That is what time does. It changes us. Into something new. Forms. Different. Pressure is no stranger to me. My life has been woven with the thread of pain, of squeezing discomfort. Tension. Difficulties, Heartache. I recently found myself in thought about who I was. Who I have been.. The little girl, the teenager, the new wife, the young mother, the hospital mom, the friend, the estranged, the sister. I. Have. Changed. I am new. I am different. My
Read more

{zero}

-
Image
Today will go down in the books as the longest day ever........ Day Zero. Transplant day. The new beginning. We started the festivities this morning at 4:00 AM......After just going to bed a couple of hours earlier, this was pretty early!!!! Paysen and I headed down to check in for his surgery....you could see the nerves on his face, I could feel them in his tiny hand that I held with in mine.. He had been looking toward this surgery for over a month. There had been so many delays, I can only imagine the things that were going on in My big boy's head...... He mustered the strength to show a brave face, however difficult. We checked him in and headed up. He took comfort in having both parents present for him. He listened as the "Sleep doctor" told of what she would do..... as we watched him we could see the clock ticking, he was growing more nervous. Paysen had a traumatic event in the operating room. It was the worst thing I have witnessed before a s
Read more

26 days.............

-
Image
Twenty six days ago I loaded the Honda up with enough stuff for a one day trip to Denver....... Four Wednesdays, Four weekend visits with our other half....624 hours.....Twenty six days....and Parklen, Phinlynn and I are still here. Parklen's illness has seemed to steadily increase...as time has gone on, each flare up has outdone the last.  This was the worst one yet.  This one made him sicker than he has been,  this one caused concern in everyone that knows Parklen.  This stay in the hospital included a tiny infant to nurse and care for.....this stay included frequent discussion about Parklen's future....and a three ring binder handed to every parent about to take their child into a bone marrow transplant. A binder filled with facts......a binder that will make your mommy tummy churn...... I have spent much time thumbing through the pages of this BMT book.....reading over risks, skimming through rules.....every moment realizing that if I EVER thought my life was har
Read more