Celebration of six
It has taken me just a little longer to get these words out of my head and onto this blog......
I have felt some pressure....
to get it right.
Because after all......
Parklen's birthday this year was anything but just a birthday......
A year ago things were very different than they are today.
Last year.....Parklen was so sick.
He had always been sick.....but it was getting much worse.
He had declined pretty significantly between his 4th and 5th birthday.....having ups and downs.....
the years and years of struggle had intertwined with each other....it was impossible to compare the heartache from one moment to the next.....
at times....it was hard to see the light.
There are so many memories I have of Parklen in pain.
When I close my eyes, at any given moment.......I can see him hurting.
I can see my son unable to breathe......
I can see him with tubes everywhere.....
I can remember what it was like to look in his eyes........
from age 6 months on....there was such a story behind those eyes.....a story that was far deeper and much harder than one could imagine.....
Last summer, after Parklen turned 5 things hit their worst.
A month in the hospital....almost all of that in the ICU.......emergency surgery....ventilator....infections....
he was so sick.
By the time we headed home from that trip it was clear that our lives had changed forever.
We left with a knowledge that Parklen could no longer continue living on his own.....
that the medicines and the treatments and the well wishes and the precautions....
they weren't enough.
He was dying.
He had always been dying.....
his body was always fighting itself, and the harder it fought the stronger the loss......
In September we were handed a piece of paper.....one that required our signature....
One single sheet of paper.
One single sheet of white paper with black ink.....
The words were blunt.
To the point.
A summery of that piece of paper would go something like this.....
Your child is in need of a bone marrow transplant.......a bone marrow transplant is very risky.
It is very possible that your child's illness will not be cured. It is possible that your child could
become worse. The outcome of the bone marrow transplant is unknown. Your child may not
survive the transplant......your child may die.
At the bottom of the sheet......a place to sign.
A place for my signature.....signing my name to this?!?!?
The doctor in charge of Parklen's transplant was never very good at sugar coating......anything.
He assured me every step of the way, that he would do his best.....and that he had no idea if Parklen would live. That he knew for sure he would die quickly without the transplant but for sure that he could die either way.....
As I signed my name to that paper.....I could not help but think about all of the possibilities.....the weight of the decision was heavy.....very heavy.
Would my son live?
Would I watch him die?
Would he celebrate Christmas this year?
Would he ever have another birthday?
The transplant process was scary and overwhelming......
it is so apparent to me that one cannot grasp the severity of the whole situation......
that outsiders looking in cannot possibly imagine the pure and raw fear that comes....
that the difficulty of signing your child's life away for a possible chance at saving it cannot be understood.....until you have walked that path.
When Parklen turned six this week, many things happened.
Parklen gave proof that no one can tell the future.....
that God can work miracles and save the un-saveable....
that fear can be overcome with faith that results in victory.
That true faith isn't just hoping that things will turn out OK.....
it is letting go completely......and trusting that God will see you through no matter what the outcome may be.
When Parklen turned six he showed the world that sickness can be overcome.....
that success can come in the form of curls and love handles.....
In one day he became older.
He became something no one knew he ever would.
He beat the odds.....
When Parklen turned six, his momma cried.
because she didn't have to say goodbye to her baby......
because she was watching her family celebrate him instead.
She cried because she is blessed....
She cried because pain has not passed her by......
and she can understand deeply the gift that another day is.....
Parklen may never understand the deep feelings of his sixth birthday.
He may look back at pictures someday and giggle at his curly hair,
he may admire his superman cake.....
he may never know......
how very blessed we are to call him ours.
and how his sixth birthday represented more than the day he was born, but celebrated the fact that he still lived......
Born,
and survived.....
Parklen is nothing short of a miracle.
I cannot say it enough.
Science said he shouldn't make it.....
God said he did.
Parklen spent the day doing what he pleased.....
opening cards from amazing people who sent them from everywhere!
He blew out candles many time.....
He smiled.....
He laughed.....
He LIVED.
Six years old......
handsome....
in love with his momma....
determined to be more like his dad....
best friends with his brother....
protective over his sister....
buddies with his Nana.....
funny.....
loves to sing....
great at booty shaking....
stubborn....
smart......
creative.......
busy........
adorable......
spunky........
You can barely see his eyes when he smiles because his joy is so big......
You cannot contain his spirit......
He is six.....
and he is alive.....
He is alive and well.....
Happy birthday my beautiful son....
Happy birthday to you and thank God for the daily reminder you bring....
That heartache may fill the night, but Joy comes in the morning.
I love you....more.
I have felt some pressure....
to get it right.
Parklen's birthday this year was anything but just a birthday......
A year ago things were very different than they are today.
Last year.....Parklen was so sick.
He had always been sick.....but it was getting much worse.
He had declined pretty significantly between his 4th and 5th birthday.....having ups and downs.....
the years and years of struggle had intertwined with each other....it was impossible to compare the heartache from one moment to the next.....
at times....it was hard to see the light.
When I close my eyes, at any given moment.......I can see him hurting.
I can see my son unable to breathe......
I can see him with tubes everywhere.....
I can remember what it was like to look in his eyes........
from age 6 months on....there was such a story behind those eyes.....a story that was far deeper and much harder than one could imagine.....
Last summer, after Parklen turned 5 things hit their worst.
A month in the hospital....almost all of that in the ICU.......emergency surgery....ventilator....infections....
he was so sick.
By the time we headed home from that trip it was clear that our lives had changed forever.
We left with a knowledge that Parklen could no longer continue living on his own.....
that the medicines and the treatments and the well wishes and the precautions....
they weren't enough.
He was dying.
He had always been dying.....
his body was always fighting itself, and the harder it fought the stronger the loss......
In September we were handed a piece of paper.....one that required our signature....
One single sheet of paper.
One single sheet of white paper with black ink.....
The words were blunt.
To the point.
A summery of that piece of paper would go something like this.....
Your child is in need of a bone marrow transplant.......a bone marrow transplant is very risky.
It is very possible that your child's illness will not be cured. It is possible that your child could
become worse. The outcome of the bone marrow transplant is unknown. Your child may not
survive the transplant......your child may die.
At the bottom of the sheet......a place to sign.
A place for my signature.....signing my name to this?!?!?
The doctor in charge of Parklen's transplant was never very good at sugar coating......anything.
He assured me every step of the way, that he would do his best.....and that he had no idea if Parklen would live. That he knew for sure he would die quickly without the transplant but for sure that he could die either way.....
As I signed my name to that paper.....I could not help but think about all of the possibilities.....the weight of the decision was heavy.....very heavy.
Would my son live?
Would I watch him die?
Would he celebrate Christmas this year?
Would he ever have another birthday?
The transplant process was scary and overwhelming......
it is so apparent to me that one cannot grasp the severity of the whole situation......
that outsiders looking in cannot possibly imagine the pure and raw fear that comes....
that the difficulty of signing your child's life away for a possible chance at saving it cannot be understood.....until you have walked that path.
When Parklen turned six this week, many things happened.
Parklen gave proof that no one can tell the future.....
that God can work miracles and save the un-saveable....
that fear can be overcome with faith that results in victory.
That true faith isn't just hoping that things will turn out OK.....
it is letting go completely......and trusting that God will see you through no matter what the outcome may be.
When Parklen turned six he showed the world that sickness can be overcome.....
that success can come in the form of curls and love handles.....
In one day he became older.
He became something no one knew he ever would.
He beat the odds.....
When Parklen turned six, his momma cried.
because she didn't have to say goodbye to her baby......
because she was watching her family celebrate him instead.
She cried because she is blessed....
She cried because pain has not passed her by......
and she can understand deeply the gift that another day is.....
Parklen may never understand the deep feelings of his sixth birthday.
He may look back at pictures someday and giggle at his curly hair,
he may admire his superman cake.....
he may never know......
how very blessed we are to call him ours.
and how his sixth birthday represented more than the day he was born, but celebrated the fact that he still lived......
Born,
and survived.....
Parklen is nothing short of a miracle.
I cannot say it enough.
Science said he shouldn't make it.....
God said he did.
Parklen spent the day doing what he pleased.....
opening cards from amazing people who sent them from everywhere!
He blew out candles many time.....
He smiled.....
He laughed.....
He LIVED.
Six years old......
handsome....
in love with his momma....
determined to be more like his dad....
best friends with his brother....
protective over his sister....
buddies with his Nana.....
funny.....
loves to sing....
great at booty shaking....
stubborn....
smart......
creative.......
busy........
adorable......
spunky........
You can barely see his eyes when he smiles because his joy is so big......
You cannot contain his spirit......
He is six.....
and he is alive.....
He is alive and well.....
Happy birthday my beautiful son....
Happy birthday to you and thank God for the daily reminder you bring....
That heartache may fill the night, but Joy comes in the morning.
I love you....more.
Comments
Post a Comment