Saturday, October 26, 2013

{-3}

Day -3.

It was a day of highs and lows......

Parklen did better than expected through out the tough drug that finished up today.
He had reactions,
but they were prepared for the worst....
the worst never came.

This evening he received his last dose of actual Chemotherapy.
Ever.
That is a high.
Tomorrow he starts an anti rejection drug.....used to help prepare his body to accept his brother's marrow.

He feels bad.
Sad.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Sick.
Cold.
Hot.
Hungry.
Unable to eat much.

and then he feels...
Happy.
Excited.
Giggly.

He is riding a roller coaster of which he has no control......
and neither do I.

I can only do my best to meet his needs and find him comfort.
Most of the time, my efforts fall short.


He mostly just wants ME.
There is something to be said about being someones everything.....
Just holding him in my arms seem to calm his spirit.

Because of the coming transplant and the hardships of chemo being in the past,
the doctor suggested that I get out of the hospital a few times a day and sometimes overnight....
Can you imagine?
I have spent 5 years with this being my load to carry.....
Five years of rarely leaving his sight....
I have never spent more than a couple nights away from his bed side in that entire time......
and only if he were well taken care of.

His reasoning is sound.
If I run out of gas,
he will not feel comfortable releasing him to me when he is ready to leave the hospital.
It doesn't make it any easier.
There are a few nurses that I trust so much....
enough that I consider them friends......
When one of those nurses are working,
I am able to force myself out of the door....
Handing the baton over to my mother.....
I honestly do not sleep.....
I mostly just worry....
but I will admit that the very change of scenery is enough to refresh me a bit.
I am away tonight....
It was hard to leave Parklen, who did not want me to go....but I had to choose whats best for the long run.
I am here at the apartment with Paysen, Phinlynn and Devan.
Feeling the ever present tug at my heart for my boy who lays in the hospital.......
looking forward to the morning....
to the future....
to health,
to more smiles and less tears.....

Today is Saturday...
Transplant is Tuesday....
The time is drawing near.....

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