Thursday, October 3, 2013

It cannot be forced....

Today was supposed to be free of appointments....It was scheduled as a day off.  As I lay in bed this morning....tired from lack of sleep, my phone rang.  On the other end was Parklen's doctor..  He explained that there had been a problem with Paysen's blood test and it had to be redone before he would proceed with Parklen's admission and chemo.  I was freaking out. 

after hanging up the phone we made a quick drive to the hospital where a few nurses and I had a giant fight with Paysen....they called in the big guns to come and restrain him because he is too big for me to do so..... he screamed and screamed.....it was not a good moment for me as I was filled with guilt....  Wondering if he was regretting his excitement over helping his brother....

When we left the hospital I decided to continue as if it were our day off.

Parklen's doctor had suggested that I take him to the zoo.  He felt that, given some very strict rules, it would be safe enough and that it would be a good thing for him to get out and have some fun before all of this begins.

So.......we went to the zoo.




I had a bit of a panic state going on in my mind.....I kept thinking, "this is Parklen's last chance to do something fun for a long time......I have to make this fun." 

The sad thing about today was that Parklen didn't feel like having fun.  Parklen didn't feel like doing anything really......well besides crying...he felt like crying.

As I pushed the stroller along, he would cry, cry because he didn't feel good, cry because he was hungry, cry because I wasn't moving fast enough, cry because he didn't like that animal.....cry for no reason at all...I kept on pushing....the stroller and him.  Trying to force him to have fun.  I couldn't.

I tried explaining to him, "This is it for a while buddy."  He didn't care.....  It wasn't until a mad, steroid raged fit that I realized.....I could not win the fun battle....

I left the zoo feeling sad, like I had missed the opportunity to give my kids a wonderful memory before the weeks of hardship that are to come. 

Later this evening I listened as Parklen talked with Paysen about the animals and the things he had seen.....they were laughing together...  It hit me then, the memory was made.  The effort of loading three kids up for the zoo.....abiding by the ridiculous rules set....walking the miles around the park.  It was worth it....to hear those tiny snickers.....the smiles that came hours later. 

I cannot force Parklen to feel good, I cannot force him to have fun...  That's the hardest part about this situation.  I have no control.  I do not sit in the drivers seat....instead I am in the back...yelling with all my might in disagreement of the road chosen....pleading with the driver to change directions...to speed through the hard times and slow down during the happy.  Stating my opinion on the better route....shaking my head at each sharp turn.  Knowing that my driver is in control...that He needs no GPS...that he created the roads we travel....  I sit back in my seat tonight.... I don't agree with this direction....it is not where I want to go....but I sit back....I trust that wherever we end up is where we are supposed to be.  This journey is hard.....it is painful....it is plain awful at times....but....without these valleys....with out the pot holes in the road....I could not appreciate the smooth pavement when it comes....the perfect roads wouldn't seem so right.... 

It is just a few more days before Parklen starts Chemo....a few more days. 

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