Sunday, October 13, 2013

{?}

Everyone who loves Him knows, we should not question God. 

However, sometimes it happens before you even realize. 

Parklen should be checking into the hospital today to prep for chemo.......
he will not be doing so.
A call from his doctor yesterday evening stopped everything in its tracks.

A test to look for yeast has come back too high....
in fact, higher than they usually even measure.

They don't know the source.
The risk is too high.

They can not proceed.

This amount of infection can be fatal......with the chemo drugs.

Parklen will go this week and have some testing done to try and figure out the source.....
to see if they can find it, and treat it.

The doctors words, "I don't know when we will be able to move forward."

I want to cry......
in fact, I have and did.  For hours.

Why?

Why, when my faith is so strong.....do I continue to see these types of situations?  Why must there be so many obstacles?  Why cant Parklen have some smooth waters for a while?  These questions flood my mind.

I don't know.
I probably never will.

I can only be thankful that the doctor decided to review Parklen's tests from his home.....thankful that he called me as he stood in his kitchen.....rather than giving me the news face to face after the chemo had already begun and it was too late to turn back.

I am thankful......for these things.
 Thankful but sad…

Sad for my family.
For my little boy who must remain sick while we figure things out.
For his brother who's life must remain on pause.

Selfishly, I am sad for me.

I miss the comfort of my husband's arms.
I am cursing college and all that keeps him from me in this moment.
Regretting our decision for him to stay home this weekend.


Letting a friend's words marinate in my mind......
"God is making sure they get everything right so the outcome is what we want."

So, for today....things are hard. 
They are standing still.
They are hard.
Things are not as I want them to be.......

Questioning. …
Crying…
Praying…

Questioning why.
Crying because the answers do not come.
Praying for peace.

Looking forward to the top of this mountain.
When the road is not so steep.
When the smiles come easy and the tears not so.


1 comment:

  1. Oh Lord,crying with very mixed emotions....Amanda, I have nothing profound to write..know that my tears are even praying for you all! Love you..an envelope from me should be with you by Tuesday! God loves you!!!!

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