Sunday, November 3, 2013


today is day +5.
It has been five days since the transplant.
The last five days have been amazing.

The chemo that Parklen received for prep work killed all the signs of his disease.
He has felt good.
We have thoroughly enjoyed watching him.
He has been filled with song and dance....

Today was only slightly different.
He didn't feel as peppy today.
He slept a little bit more.

Parklen still smiled.
The saddest part of his day was saying goodbye to Paysen.
They broke my heart.

Paysen understands a little better than Parklen that he and his brother wont be seeing each other in person for quite some time.  They will be spending many days apart.

Once Parklen is released to the apartment, They will be reunited!

Paysen broke down today.

It was so very painful to watch him drive away as he was screaming, "Mom, I will do anything to stay with you."  My heart was torn in two.

He and his dad will come down every weekend.
Paysen will stay at the apartment as Devan and I rotate between here and there.

It is not ideal.

I was speaking with a doctor today.
I was explaining how I feel as though there is an enormous cloud hanging over me.
Like I am just waiting for that cloud to part and the flood waters to pour.

Nothing with Parklen has ever been easy.
All of this just seems to good to be true.
It is going to hurt me so bad if I have to watch him get sick again.

This is no way to live.
I am working on accepting that God is answering prayer.
Whether Parklen gets bad again or not, he is good today.
.............and that is a blessing.

To constantly be living in anticipation is deadly.
............To my mind and my spirit.

I do not know if Parklen will breeze through.
I do not know.
I do know that God has given him a warrior's spirit........
and after a life time worth of trials, it may be his time to have a little easy living........

What I do know is that worrying about the ball to drop is robbing me of abundant Joy in the fact that right now, at this very beautiful boy sits in his hospital bed, smiling.

Each time he calls me to his side he whispers, things like, "I love you so much mom." and "can I please just cuddle you?" 
Knowing that friends gathered together today to welcome my hero Paysen home.
Knowing that my love will return in 5 short days.........
Knowing that God has blessed me with wonderful support.
Knowing that day 5 is one day closer to day 100...............
Knowing that bad things may happen but the end result always stays the same.......
Knowing that I am going to talk with my freckled faced boy soon......
My cup is full...and if I choose to live by what I know, ignoring the unknown......I can live as though life is good.
Because, after is.


  1. Bless you.. you of such strength and faith. Thank you for sharing. Prayers. ><>

  2. 2 Corinthians 12:9
    New International Version (NIV)
    9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

  3. Amanda: You are an amazing mom, and Parklen is so lucky to have you. There is nothing easy about the road you all are travelling. I know that because I have been travelling a similar, tho very much easier, road myself. The truth I have learned is the one you mentioned in your posting. We truly must learn to live with the joy and the beauty of today, and not miss it worrying about what might happen tomorrow. Parky did great today and he is so happy with how he is feeling. We will pray tonight that God gives us another such day tomorrow, and if he does, we shall show our gratitude by revelling in it and singing our joy....and we shall do the same each and every day, and pretty soon, we will have 100 such days under our belts. Thursday is the 1 year anniversary of my auto stem cell transplant....I am still learning, but I am getting better at celebrating each and every day as it comes. You will too! Hang in there....lots of hugs.


  4. Amanda, the enormous faith that God has blessed you with is spilling over to a countless number of us who read your blog daily and pray for you with each read. Thank you for sharing and thus aiding in the strengthening of our faiths. I like envisioning you and your family under a huge God umbrella where you are constantly "under" God's loving care. I picture a fifth person, an angel. Maybe it is Gabriel, or the same angel who was in the firey furnace protecting God's three children. My prayer is for Parklen but also for you as much. Oh God, keep this family always under your protective care and thank you for strengthening my faith with Amanda's writings. Amen.