Here's to.......

Older pic.....but one of my faves...

Last night I had just finished up with writing a blog post, I was about to hit publish when i got a phone call.

It was my night to sleep at the apartment and I had gotten Phin down for bed and was just enjoying a few moments to myself before heading to bed.

When I had left the hospital last night everything was good and well.
So I was not expecting a phone call.
Something with Parklen's room at the hospital makes it hard for anyone in there to make or receive calls, my mom was cutting out and I started to panic.
With Phin is bed, I did not want to yank her awake and head over until I knew what was going on.
I finally got the message.......

Parklen had gotten sick..........again.
He had thrown up his feeding tube and just wanted his mom.
I loaded up the baby and headed over,
it was nearly 11:00.
I didn't feel too worried,
just sad.
I wanted to comfort my baby.
These are the moments when I regret ever leaving the hospital.

Five years.
Five years I went with barely leaving.
I survived.
now, there is a baby to consider.
There is caring for Phinlynn,
there is caring for myself......who my children depend on.
I am not good at caring for myself.
I don't like to focus on me.
I can easily skip a meal or three in exchange for supporting my babies or holding them tight.
This doesn't work when one of your babies is depending on you for food.....and you cannot produce enough milk for nursing if you are completely worn down.

Regardless, I felt extremely guilty last night.
Like I should have been there.....I should have been the one to wipe his tears and calm his cries.
I should have been the one to say, "Its ok."
and I wasn't.

Once I walked into his room and he smiled his giant smile at me the guilt disappeared.
I wasn't there when he got sick, but I was there now.

It is hard to say for sure, but they are thinking that high blood pressure may be the cause of his recent terrible headaches and vomiting.  They are thinking about things now.

What I know is that he doesn't feel good.
He is still in bed today....
Waking up, only to express his stomach pain.....and then rolling over and falling back into dreamland.

It feels bad to see him sick.
It feels even worse because he had been doing so well.
But......
I refuse to feel defeated.
This is a bump.
A tiny ant hill in the road to health.

I have chosen to stay optimistic, for myself.....but more importantly, for Parky.
I will not let him think that this is an awful setback.
I will smile at him each and every time his eyes come my way.
I will choose to tell him that he looks great, even if he doesn't feel so.....
I will not accept that he will continue to be sick.
He is on his way to heightened experiences and brighter days.

His labs from overnight show that Paysen's cells are beginning to find their way......
and no amount of vomit or tears can change that.
Parklen's brother's gift is beginning to change his life.


I debated on completely deleting last night's post.....
it had spoken about how it was an uneventful day and things were the same......
but I decided to just remove those parts and keep in the rest!
So, here you go.....


What else is going on in the life of the Henderson's?!?!?!

How about the fact that little Miss Phinlynn is everywhere......
She cannot be stopped.
She is crawling,
pulling up on furniture.....
.saying "momma" and "Hi"
She is across the room in  no time.
She is showing off two tiny teeth.....
She is just 6 and 1/2 months.....

I am amazed by her.
She is growing and flourishing right before our eyes.
She is such a joy,
such a gift.

When I walk through the hospital with this baby,
not one person can pass by with out smiling.
She makes people smile.
She makes me smile.

She always seems to be listening to my every word.
She smiles at all the right times,
gives me kisses when I need them most.

Phin knows how to melt my heart.
My daughter.
My tiny lady.
My ray of sunshine.....

Here's to my little beauty.......
Here's to smiling through the bumps.....
Here's to better days ahead.

And, my daily motivational speech to myself sounds like this......
Don't worry Amanda, The best is yet to be...................